I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and re-kindling a little of that “magic. “”Wow!” I said. “I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now. I’m a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me.” She just giggled and said she was sure I’d “rise” to the challenge.

“Yeah” I said, “Just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days!” She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!”

So I told her to beep off.

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. “Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she assured him in her most scornful one. “You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face.”

“He’s an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!”

“You did. All over his suit, ” Louise informed him. “And he fired you.”

“Well, beep him,” said John.

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.

A farmer replied, “Joe’s mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died.”

“Well,” replied the man, “she must have had a lot of friends.”

“Nope,” said the farmer, “we all just want to buy his mule.”

A redneck couple, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband “fixed.”
The doctor asked them why, after 9 children, they would choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read a recent article that 1 out of every 10 children being born in the United States was Mexican and they didn’t want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he’d first had sex.

“It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,” Clem recalled.

“That sounds wonderful,” said Jed.

“Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.”

“Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?”

“Baaaaa…”

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit.

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from
Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied,
"Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office.
"Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again."
"What dream?" asked the shrink.
"You know, the one where I'm into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I just beating a dead horse?"

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

http://youtube.com/watch?v=6IFh3XPYo6o&feature=related Family Guy, a very funny sitcom

A young lady comes home from a date, rather sad. Her mother asks,
"What's the matter, honey"?

"Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad"?

"Because he's an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell!"

"Marry him anyway, dear. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is!"

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this
year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took
your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii .. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas ,and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's
different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap.

I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good, too!"

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."

I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went to theback to make a sandwich.

During our computer class, the teacher chastised one boy for talking to the girl sitting next to him.

"I was just asking her a question," the boy said.

"If you have a question, ask me," the teacher tersely replied.

"Okay," he answered, "Do you want to go out with me Friday night?"