Jokes and riddles

God Will Save Me

One day a priest was preaching a sermon during an outdoor mass when suddenly there is a large flash flood. People run out of the church and everything is in chaos. A man runs up to the priest and says “Father we have to get out of here!” But the priest is calm and says “God will save me.” The man runs off

Soon water is up to the Priest’s shins. A man in a canoe rows up to the Priest and says “Father we have to get out of here!” But the priest is calm and says “God will save me.” The man rows away.

Soon water is up to the Priest’s hips. A man in a power boat sails next to the Priest and says “Father we have to get out of here!” But the priest is calm and says “God will save me.” The man starts up his engine and cruises away

Soon water is up to the Priest’s chest. A helicopter rescue unit pulls near the Priest and says “Father we have to get out of here!” But the priest is calm and says “God will save me.” The team flies away

Soon the water is above the Priest’s head and he faints. The Priest wakes up in heaven next to God. “Why didn’t you save me God!” cried the Priest. “What do you mean?” God asked. “I sent you two boats and a helicopter!”

Q: What did the slug say when riding on the back of a snail?

A: Wheeeeeeeee!

Q: What do you call a herd of sheep rolling down a hill?

A: A lambslide.

Rashomon

Two boys are playing catch in Rock Creek Park when one is suddenly attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick and shoves it under the dogs collar, twists it breaking the dog’s neck and saving his friend.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident. “Redskins Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.

“But I’m not a Redskins fan,” the little hero replied.

“Sorry, since we are in DC I just assumed you were,” said the reporter and he starts writing again. “Captials Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack.”

“I’m not a Captials fan either,” the boy said.

“Oh, I assumed everyone in DC was either for the Redskins or the Captials. What team do you root for?” the reporter asked.

“I’m a Cowboys fan,” the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Bastard From Dallas Kills Beloved Family Pet.”

But, why do *I* have flat feet?

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?

A: To put out burning camp fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?

A: To put out burning ducks.

Yankees -vs- Red Sox

A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.
"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Red Sox."
"Why's that?"
"Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"

Widow For One Year

One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!''

''I know!'' the next woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house but when I called he wasn't there.''

The third woman says, ''I always know where my husband is.''

''Impossible!'' both women say, ''He has you completely fooled!''

''Oh no,'' says the woman. ''I'm a widow.''